Do Filipinos hate -- and so won't date -- the Chinese?

Dear Filipino,

I find myself really attracted to this Filipino guy. I actually get along with him very well and I'm probably overthinking but...I was wondering if there was any chance for me to date him?

I guess I'm sort of young and naive, but the only stereotypes I know of Filipinos are that they are very peaceful, musically inclined, talented, and generally tanned. However, according to my Filipina friend, Filipinos tend to go after their own or go after whites in order to "marry up". She told me that's how she was raised, and that unless the person she dated was Catholic, Filipino or Caucasian, there would be no way she would be allowed to date. Furthermore, she told me that majority of Filipino people sort of hate Chinese people? So if I start a relationship with him, would I face a lot of prejudice from his family? Is it usually looked down upon to be of a different race?

Sincerely,
Love-stricken Chinese Girl

Dear LCG,

Hey, what can I say?  Filipino guys are simply irresistible! ;-)  And as regards the stereotypes you mentioned, I can hang with those -- no problem! 

Seriously though, first, I must apologize. You've written me this a while back and it's quite insensitive of me to have kept you waiting for an answer that must be quite important to you.  But unfortunately, I can only answer questions at my pace, and though I was born in the Year of the Tiger, I'm really a Turtle Blogger. 

I actually thought of delaying my answer to you until Valentine's, but I changed my mind because "Chinese" seems to be on everyone's lips these days.  Locally, in the Bay Area, Chinese empowerment is the buzzword, as the first Asian-American mayor of San Francisco, Edwin M. Lee, was sworn in last week.  Nationally, in the US, Chinese power is said to be really ascendant, as shown by the way China's president, Mr. Hu Jintao, is being treated as he visits his country's largest debtor this week.  But more importantly, globally, Chinese superiority is also now being touted -- even in an aspect erstwhile deemed to be so personal to everyone: parenting.

So assuming it's true that we Filipinos only want to "marry up" race-wise, surely we must be re-evaluating our stand with regards to the Chinese, right?

But here's the thing: The truth is, Filipinos don't look down upon the Chinese; Filipinos generally don't restrict marriage to Caucasians, Catholics or fellow Filipinos only; and while Filipinos often do prefer lighter-skinned folks as potential partners in marriage (although changing, that's still the reality of today's world), I think it's not a stretch to say Filipinos, especially when compared to other groups, are in fact equal-opportunity daters. 

I don't know why your Filipina friend said those things to you, but don't believe everything she says, in the same way that you shouldn't believe everything I say here.  None of us can speak definitively for millions of people.  But I think the evidence weighs in favor of my position.  And while statistics will bear out that most of us do end up dating and marrying within our group, that's just natural, because cultural compatibility is paramount to most people who want to avoid conflict.  I'd like to think this is just what her parents were driving at, too.

Besides, we're mutts, you see, and so historically, we've really intermarried a lot with all sorts of "breeds."  In fact, estimates show that while the "pure" ethnic Chinese only comprise about 2-3% of the country, as many as 20% of the Filipino people have some Chinese ancestry.  Personally, I think these figures are understated because the Chinese have been settling in the Philippines since time immemorial -- or as far back as the Ice Age when a now-submerged land bridge is believed to have enabled many people from South China to settle in what is now the archipelago called the Philippines, and continued non-stop even during the Spanish (when they were referred to as sangleys) and American regimes, up to present times.  The sitting President, the national hero, the former dictator Marcos -- they are just a few of the country's more famous Chinese mestizos, offspring of mixed marriages.

And I think it's wrong to say we hate the Chinese, for if that were the case, those famous Chinese mestizos would not have achieved their positions in life.  Majority of Filipinos do hate hateful and abusive people, Chinese or not.  In fact, anyone would, don't you agree?

That's why I now think Tiger Mother Amy Chua's observation in her 2003 essay, "Vengeful Majorities," unfairly depicts Filipinos.  In it, she related how her Chinese aunt was killed by her Filipino driver and how the police classified the killing as an act of revenge.  But she did more than that: She also suggested that the driver killed her aunt because her aunt was a member of a rich, market-dominant minority while the driver was a member of a "vengeful majority" in the Philippines.  By doing so, she elevated the incident to somehow be representative of an ethnicity-influenced tension between the ethnic Chinese and the ethnic Filipinos in the Philippines. 

But even if I were to concede that there is in fact some tension, I guarantee you that it is almost negligible and in no way -- no way! -- comparable to the other ethnic tensions she also mentioned in her essay: e.g., Croats vs. Serbs, Hutus vs. Tutsis, Jews vs. ethnic Russians, Chinese vs. ethnic Indonesians, etc. -- tensions which are more violent and widespread, much more societally disruptive, and much, much more gruesome because they had resulted in riots, outright war, ethnic cleansing, and genocide in the past.

To understand what I'm saying here, let's reverse the roles in Chua's aunt's case.  If her aunt had been an ethnic Filipina who was killed by her Chinese driver because the latter couldn't take the abuse and enslavement anymore, I think you'll also understand why the police would still be justified to put the same reason for the killing: "Revenge." In other words, the murder was an act of "revenge" because of Chua's abusive aunt, not because the ethnic Filipino majority is somehow "vengeful."

So, no, I'm not worried about you being looked down upon by the Filipino guy's family, and I'm not concerned at all that you would face any prejudice from the guy's side.  You won't.  The truth is, I'm more worried about your family looking down upon my fellow good-looking Filipino.  I know we're just talking about dating here and not marriage, but Chua herself recently admitted that she married an American Orthodox Jew as a form of rebellion because her once father told her: "You will marry a non-Chinese over my dead body!"  With respect to us Filipinos, she was upfront and didn't even mince words when she wrote in her 2003 book: "For the Chinese...marrying a Filipino...is shameful."

I happen to know this is quite true among many Chinese in the Philippines.  When I was in college, I had female Chinese friends who fell in love with Filipinos, and even if the guys were from decent families and were decent themselves, the Chinese parents still objected to the relationships, going as far as threatening their daughters with disownment.  One Chinese lady I know was indeed disowned and her parents did not even bother to attend her wedding.  I heard the parents and the daughter only reconciled after the latter delivered her first baby.

Now, are you sure you still want to date that Filipino guy?

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

Is Gretchen Barretto really The Filipino's friend?

Dear Filipino,

I just want to say that I am really enjoying reading some of your posts and most of the time I am laughing my ass off.  But are you really friends with Gretchen Barreto?  Dannnnggg!

Keep up your good work, my friend!

Ray G.

Dear Ray,

Thanks for the luv, kaibigan!  Thanks for the luv!

Now, the topic of your question -- i.e., my friendship with famous Philippine actress Gretchen Barretto -- is a profound and complicated one.  So in order to answer it, I first broke it down into its logical components: whether we can be friends, whether she's qualified to be my friend, whether we chose to be friends, and whether we can remain friends. 

Then, I sought the wise counsel of the learned from across the globe and throughout human history.  I looked at the "rules" they have laid down on the issue and I "applied" it to myself vis-a-vis my friendship with Gretchen -- the friendship which you now question.

So let's look at these rules one by one.

First Rule: The wise and great Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 BC) advised us:

"Have no friends not equal to yourself."

Application of the Rule:  According to my mother, I'm really, really good-looking.  People, of course, say Gretchen is very, very beautiful.  In my book, my mother's opinion on this issue carries the same weight as all others.'  So I guess, it's fair to say that Gretchen is my equal, right?  In other words, she can be my friend.

Second Rule: For his part, the American poet, essayist and leading figure of the Transcendentalist movement, Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), opined:

"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."

Application of the Rule: With Gretchen, I reckon we can take the Emersonian advice literally, don't you think?  I mean, hey, she's Nature's beautiful creation, right?  If so, then she  qualifies to be my friend.

Third Rule: Then, the French poet extraordinaire, Jacques Delille (1738-1813), commanded us:

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."

Application of the Rule: Now, I think this mandate is the hidden genius behind the idea of Facebook which the founder, Mark Zuckerberg, who is single and is only 26, has impressively figured out early on in his life.  I mean, it's really brilliant because what Delille is saying is this: I may have no say who gets to be my mother-in-law, but I get to choose who I want as my friends.  I chose Gretchen so I requested to be her friend on Facebook; irresistibly drawn to my online charm, she accepted.  Ergo: we're friends because we chose to be friends.

Fourth Rule: Here's the tough part: The British poet and leading figure in Romanticism, the great Lord Byron (1788-1824), required thusly:

"Friendship is love without his wings."

Application of the Rule:  Like Aristotle before him, Lord Byron was really comparing friendship with romantic love when he said that.  And what he really meant is this: That while friendship is usually between people of the same sex, a friendly relationship between a man and a woman is also fine. However, if one party has unrequited sexual feelings towards the other, it can cause the withdrawal of the desired party from the relationship, and friendship will therefore disintegrate because of that.

What this means is that as long as Gretchen does not fall in love or exhibit any sort of carnal desire towards yours truly, we can remain friends; if she does, I'm out.  In other words, the burden really is on her.

Now, admittedly, it's going to be a heavy burden for her to bear, but I'd like to think it's doable.

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

Dear Reader: Want to become friends with The Filipino?  Look him up on Facebook where he's known as "Ask ThePinoy," send a Friend Request, and if you're good-looking enough, he might just accept your request.  Mabuhay!  ;-)

Why is DOTA more important to a Filipino teenager than his GF?

Dear Filipino,

Teenage boys in the Philippines are so fond of playing the online game DOTA [Defense of the Ancients]. Some even got addicted. 

Here's my question: If you were a teenage boy, who would you choose: GF [girlfriend] or DOTA? Why?

Thank you!

Jesicca L.

Dear Jessica,

Does your L stand for Lost-to-DOTA too?  Is this the underlying reason behind your question? 

If so, I feel for you.  I really do.  But this also means you don't really care about what I would choose if I were a teenager again, right?  In fact, I think you're really just looking for some validation that what happened to you or someone you know who's close to you is a fairly common occurrence nowadays among GFs.

And if this makes you feel better -- guess what? -- I have news for you: You're not alone because from what I have gathered, the state of romance among the young right now is really dismal.  No, make it abysmal.  Actually -- no -- the right adjective is more like funereal! 

Why?  Because of -- you guessed it -- DOTA!

Yes, DOTA -- that online multi-player role-playing game where you get to be a pretend-hero doing pretend-fighting along with other pretend-heroes who are part of your pretend-team whose pretend-objective is to pretend-kill the pretend-opponents who, like you, are also pretend-heroes pretend-guarding pretend-structures called Ancients!

I'm not pretending nor kidding.  It's true: Long forum threads and online chatter on the topic by a legion of teenage GFs, ignored or dumped outright because of DOTA, are filled with rancor and resentment despite a veneer of calm.  And songs of melancholia are also aplenty on YouTube because of it.

And what about the boys -- what do they do?  Do they at least feel repentant?  Regretful?  Remorseful? 

Heck, no!  They instead put out banners comparing the two -- GF vs. DOTA -- with an ending that cannot be mistaken for anything other than a vicious, pernicious, hideous laugh.  See the below:

[English Translation: DOTA is one of a kind in the world; there's plenty of GF material. GF will leave you, DOTA will not. GF gets angry when you do DOTA; DOTA doesn't get angry when you're with GF.  DOTA is happy with 20 pesos [low maintenance]; GF is unhappy with 200 pesos [high maintenance].  If you find another hero, DOTA does not get angry; if you find another girl, GF gets angry. If you leave GF, it's hard to return to her; if you leave DOTA, it's still ready to accept you.  Who do you prefer?! DOTA or GF?! Think hard!!! Hahaha.]

Did you see the "hahaha"? 

Now, I don't really believe in multo, but our ancient romantic forebears must be rolling in their graves right now and getting ready to go on the offense because of this -- this Defense of the Ancients thingy!

And by the way, are these pretenders now members of some conspiracy -- maybe a secret society or something?  What's up with this so-called Oath of Allegiance to DOTA, their Panatang Maka DOTA?



(Source: Playdota.com)

[English Translation: Oath of Allegiance to DOTA: I love DOTA.  I was born to play DOTA.  This is the game I will pass on to my next generation.  She cares for and helps my hero to be strong, courageous and useful.  In return, I will butcher my opposing heroes.  I will serve the base I chose.  I will defend my base even if it's mega creeps.  I will not press F10 even if we're about to lose.  I will strive to be a true DOTA lover in thoughts, in words and in deeds. Oh, DOTA first.  hehehe. ]

Now did you see the "hehehe" this time?  How vile, don't you think? 

And yet you say they're just "fond of playing the online game"!  Fond?  Even afer Internet cafes had already been turned into ponds by Typhoon Ondoy and they were still playing, still inseparable from their computer stations, you still just call them fond of it?
 

(Source: Technogra.ph)

What's wrong with you, girlfriend?!?

Let me tell you exactly what: It's your fault.  Yes, you Filipino teenage girls -- so-called mga mayuyuming kayumangging kaligatan ng bayan, the demure browns of town.

Why?  Because anecdotal reports have reached me saying that many of you gals in the Philippines have changed!  You've watched way too many reality shows on TV and you're probably thinking whatever is on those shows ought to be the new reality now, too!

So, yes, you're at fault because you said YES to teenage boys who probably never even bothered learning the kundiman and the harana to court you.  (And besides, you were not even supposed to have BFs yet,* just BFFs at most and definitely without benefits!)

And you gals probably did not even employ the age-old Filipina art of the pagpapakipot.

In other words, you probably were too easy!  Too undemanding! 

In other words, you probably did not challenge the boys enough! 

And most importantly, unlike the game dynamics in DOTA, you gals probably did not even put up any defenses whatsoever.  Instead, you just allowed the boys to roam free with their key to the passageway which held The Ancient Secret -- the secret which caused men of yore to do battle in Troy.

In other words -- and here you have to forgive my being too upfront and too conjectural -- you probably did not even require, well, a Trojan!

And this is the problem -- the big problem:  Because we all know many teenage boys, who saw the same reality shows on TV you did, just seek the pleasure of the conquest now.  And then they want to tally the score, and then "level up," and then brag about it to friends. 

That's the sad, unvarnished truth, girlfriend.

So here's the deal: If you gals don't want to be just another statistic to your unfeeling boyfriends, you better learn to defend your base.  You better enforce traditional Filipino parental batas and Bar Access to The Ancient Secret (BATAS)!

If you do, you will be happier (and your parents, especially your tatay, even moreso).

Why?  Because you will own your boys again, turn them into your heroes, and get them to divorce DOTA for good.  And if you want to, maybe you can even get them to play sungka with you again.

*The Filipino's daughter, who's turning 6 this year, is only going to be allowed to have a BF at age 2130.

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

Do penile implants (bolitas) "work"?

Dear Filipino,

Are these penile implants -- called bolitas -- really effective (for ladies' sexual pleasure)?

Mang Dodong

Dear Mang,

You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar! 

Gentleman because you deigned to ask me this question not to seek pleasure for yourself but "for ladies"!  I mean, who else thinks like you nowadays?  I was moved -- and am almost teary-eyed [wipes eyes; blows nose] -- because of the selflessness that inhere in your question.

Scholar because an attitude so inquisitive, such as you have exhibited in your question, finds contentment only in the exhaustive and solitary pursuit of all types of knowledge: be it logical, semantic, systemic or empirical.  

Thus, I beg your indulgence in advance if, in the end, you find my attempt to answer your question feeble, lacking in both depth and data, and/or otherwise completely devoid of any epistemological significance. 

But if you shall be disappointed, please don't blame me -- please don't castigate me -- please don't censure me -- for your expression of dissatisfaction is sure to devastate my self-esteem.

Instead, blame The PENIS Team.

PENIS here, of course, stands for "Penile Circumcision, Implants and Sexual Gadgets," and the team referred to was headed by De La Salle University's Professor Romeo B. Lee, PhD, and Dr. Lloyd Brendan Norella, MD, who conducted a study in 2002 on these esoteric topics of inquiry, a study which was supported by the Ford Foundation through Australian National University in order to promote reproductive health.

Through semi-structured interviews, the research team examined the "adoption, provision, and outcomes and effects" of these firm spherical foreign objects, commonly referred to in the Philippines as bolitas but actually known elsewhere as fang muk, bulletus, chagan balls, tancho balls, and penis marbles, which are implanted in the subcutaneous tissue of the shaft of the penis proximal to the glans.

The research participants revealed that these bolitas are either made of plastic (formed out of melted spoons, ballpens, toothbrushes, chopsticks, deodorant rollers, necklace beads and, yes, even rosary beads!); metal pellets or steel ball bearing; or mineral-type stones (ivory, jade, porcelain or fiber-glass).  Most of the respondents, adroit and resourceful, made their own bolitas or got them for free from their illustrious friends in high places -- e.g., prisons.

Why did these men do it?  According to the implant-providers interviewed, the predisposing factor to implant adoption was the insertees' altruistic desire to make their partners "happy" and "content."  Other reasons given were: peer pressure and male adventurousness.  Still another reason given was -- and this is just a conjecture on their part I think -- that these men were probably feeling inadequate and wanted to increase their organ's size. 

This last reason is interesting because any Bicolana will tell you that siling labuyo is the spiciest of all chili peppers.  In fact, the rule of thumb is: the smaller the pepper, the hotter it is!

Following the insertion procedure, over 40% of the insertee-respondents had penile-centered complications, ranging from biting, deep and throbbing pain, to inflammation, to pus.  Some veins were apparently also punctured during the procedure, causing more than just mild itching, I'm sure.

But now comes the crux of your question: What about the women?

Of the 14 female respondents who had bolitas users as partners, 8 confirmed there was a "difference" during the act; 4 said there was "no difference"; and 2 were "uncommitted."  However, 7 of the 14 -- an even 50% -- also had rashes, wounds, pus or inflammation in their vagina after the act. 

I'm guessing -- and this is really just a guess -- those female respondents who experienced these complications did not find them "pleasurable," sexually or otherwise.  But you can choose to look at that last statistic -- the 50% -- as that proverbial glass: either it is half-full or half-empty.   

This makes me wonder:  What would be the gentlemanly and scholarly questioner's choice?

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

Are Filipinos always inclined to fight one another?

Dear Filipino,

I noticed, from my experience, Filipinos are always inclined to fight one another. Almost every Filipino family I know has at least two brothers that duke it every now and then. And the Filipino guys I know either see their fellow countrymen as good friends or rivals. Or am I just over analyzing?

Snaffu

Dear Snaffu,

Yes, you are over-analyzing if you think Filipinos are unique in fighting each other as siblings!

No, Sir: We did NOT invent "sibling rivalry."  We don't have a trademark or a patent on it.  In fact, if you will recall from your Sunday school teachers, Old Testament dudes named Cain and Abel popularized the trend, then was copied by Jacob and Esau, and then by Joseph and his brothers.  More modernly, we also know now that American tennis doubles champs Bob and Mike Bryan fought while growing up, MMA fighters Marvin and Melvin Blumer (a.k.a. the Bash Brothers) fought while growing up, and Indian billionaires Mukesh and Anil Ambani fought as grownups! 

See the pattern?  There's none!  Why?  Because sibling rivalry is normal and universal.

But the other half of your question -- whether Filipinos see their fellow countrymen as good friends or rivals -- deserve a longer discussion because this observation is extraordinarily prescient of you (yes, we do fight among each other, though not as often as others would think!).  It also deserves a more in-depth treatment because it touches on two "theories" also often ascribed to Filipinos by some foreign observers and moreso by Filipinos themselves -- i.e., what I call the  (1) "regionalistic Filipinos theory," and (2) the "crab mentality theory."  To conserve on bytes and typing energy, I'll refer to them as RFT and CMT.

But let's tackle the CMT theory first because The Filipino absolutely HATES this theory.

I.  The CMT: Why it is complete B.S.

The "theory" is based on a story that goes something like this: 

There was this crab salesman who was selling live crabs, and he had many different baskets all somewhat filled with different types of crabs.  All the baskets, except one, had covers so the crabs could not escape.  When one customer asked why that was so, the crab salesman supposedly replied: "Ma'am, that uncovered basket is the basket of Filipino crabs.  I'm not worried about anyone of them escaping because as soon as one of them is about to escape, the other crabs will pull him right back down.  So there is really no need to cover them."

(Source: BlingCheese.com)



A prominent Fil-Am community leader, lawyer and columnist, Mr. Rodel Rodis, is believed to have first written about this story, but he was using this theory then as his personal, and arguable, conjecture as to why no Filipino had yet been elected to high public office in California despite the community's considerable presence in the state (this is no longer true, by the way, with the election of a Filipina Chief Justice of the Supreme Court last month). 

Now, it would have been harmless, except that many other prominent Filipinos, writers and others, actually latched onto the story and arrogated it to be the all-encompassing explanation for any shortcoming of Filipinos, real or imagined, as a group! 

Why is some Filipino not getting recognized as the best in this or that?  "Because of crab mentality!"

Why did the group splinter and what was behind all the in-fighting?  "Because of crab mentality!"

Why do we have differences in opinion?  "Because of crab mentality!"

Why is the Philippines not progressing?  "Because of crab mentality!"

Why are we eating left-over adobo again for dinner? "Because of crab mentality!"

I have to stop before I puke because I'm truly, truly SICK of hearing it! 

Why?  Because the truth of the matter is, the story is not even original nor originally about Filipinos.  As Mr. Rodis himself admitted, he first heard it from his La Raza professor.  But in his professor's version, the crabs in that uncovered basket were Mexican crabs!  And I'm willing to bet that the original version of the story is about a basket of crabs of another nationality!

But what does this really tell you?  What else -- but that the CMT is also universal! 

In fact, as written by one Liberian woman, it's really the same as the “If I cannot get there or be there, then no one will get there” syndrome.  Another variant is the German concept called "schadenfreude" -- that sadistic pleasure derived from seeing others encounter some form of misfortune.  In sociological terms, it can also be partly explained by the Social Comparison Theory as propounded by Dr. Leon Festinger -- the idea being that if others around us have bad luck, we feel better about ourselves because we compare ourselves to others regularly.

In fact, you can even say CMT is as American as apple pie because Americans seem to take perverse delight in the downfall of our modern figures like Tiger Woods, Martha Stewart or Bill Clinton -- all of whom fell from their pedestal because of personal transgressions.  Except it would be unfair to Americans!  Because as Prof. Richard Smith pointed out in a NY Times article:  "However contemptible schadenfreude may seem...we are programmed to feel it" because "[i]t's human nature."

So Filipinos reading this blog post: STOP using CMT already as if it's a Filipino thing!  It's NOT!

II.  The RFT: Why it is THE culprit and why it is ALMOST understandable

Snaffu:  I said earlier that you made a prescient observation about Filipino in-fighting because we do seem to have that tendency to divide Filipinos outside our immediate family under two columns: "with us" or "against us" -- which is very cowboy-ish, very George W. Bush-like.  (Actually, there's really a third column: the "I couldn't care less about them" column, but it's boring to talk about that, so I won't.) 

I don't have data to compare incidences of in-fighting among various groups, but I can attest to the fact that, generally speaking, we are group-oriented (as opposed to person-oriented) and collectivistic (as opposed to individualistic).  We abhor being alone.  Older people we are close to, we call "Kuya/Ate" (older brother/older sister), or "Tito/Tita" (uncle/aunt), even if we're not related to them by either affinity or consanguinity.  If you're a friend, you are family.  We want loud and big parties.  And if you've been to a Filipino party celebrating even the most minor of occasions and you see overflowing food and people talking all at the same time, you know what I'm talking about and don't need me to elaborate further.

And because we are group-oriented, for companionship and sense of kinship and camaraderie, we naturally tend to look to people who speak the same language/dialect, come from the same place/hometown, enjoy the same cuisine, and/or have the same customs and religious traditions.  We devote substantial time, energy and even hard-earned money to earn the respect, loyalty and love of the people within our respective groups (in ancient times, we even entered into blood compacts to show, ceremonially, our commitment to true friendships). 

So I think regionalism and/or clannishness -- or RFT -- is really the culprit for the occasional "fights," not CMT. If someone in our group is wronged by someone from another group, we naturally are affected too and show it (or we fake it at least).  If someone in our group has done something to another and we fear of repercussions, we close ranks.

Among the young -- which, gleaning from your question, seems to be your perspective -- this regionalism and clannishness typically manifest itself in region-based fraternities and/or gangs (the malevolent type) and one's choice of barkada (gang-like group of friends but of the benign type).  And as gangs and frats and barkadas go, you make an enemy of one, you make an enemy of all.  (Sadly, this dynamic is taken to extremes in Philippine politics and especially in some areas in Mindanao, with clans literally killing each other, sometimes for generations, in Mafia-like feuds called rido.) 

Now, this may not be of concern to you, but in the US where Filipinos have a considerable presence, this sense of regionalism and clannishness which lead to divisions is considered by many outspoken leaders of the community as the reason why we are not seen as a potent voting bloc, why we don't have real political power.  I have something to confess: I used to buy into that line of thinking, but not anymore. 

I now think that our being non-monolithic as a group in the US is in fact a sign of progress and maturity.  Why?  Because if "misery loves company," then the fact that we are not monolithic and seem more divided shows we are not miserable anymore, right? 

Now, one might think that I'm being facetious here, but I'm actually not.  For I've observed it with my own eyes: Where overseas Filipinos are poorer and looked down upon (e.g., in Europe and in Asian countries where most OFWs are imported for low-skilled jobs), the unity of cross-cultural, inter-regional Filipino groups is impressive.  But in the US where the typical Filipino family is actually richer than the typical American family, Filipinos look to smaller family-based groups or region-based groups for a sense of belonging and support. 

And we avoid big groups because we don't want to be told by some stranger Filipino what to do!  Yes, in the US, we don't want power to be concentrated in a single organization or a few people who may have interests that do not necessarily align to ours individually, or because they espouse causes we couldn't care less about.  Besides, the fact that we don't vote for someone just because he's Filipino is a good thing.  Why?  Because we should vote for the best candidate, regardless of his race!  That's our civic duty!

That does not mean I'm advocating for further divisions within our community.  In the US, I'm still in favor of an umbrella organization for Filipinos to fight for causes that uniquely pertain to us.  But I've learned not to force the issue anymore.

If it happens, it happens.  Because I believe we can make it happen if we really need to, even if we have to keep fighting each other to make it happen.

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

The Frenchman asks: Why do young Filipinas marry old French men?

Hi Filipino,
 
It seems that the only encounter one will have with Filipinos in France will be women that married much older Frenchmen. I remember hearing a lot of about it 15-20 years ago, there were agencies that would set up Frenchmen with Filipino women, and usually those men would do that because they couldn't really find a woman in France (either because they lived in remote rural areas, or worse, because they were jackasses and no women wanted to be with them) and they'd use those agencies. Those men had no interest in the Philippines as a country or a culture, they just knew they could easily find a wife there.

I've never personally met such a couple, and I'm definitely not saying that it is the case for every Frenchman/Filipino woman couple, but every time I run into such a couple they leave me that strange and unhealthy impression that they don't love each other. It feels that for the man, the woman is his own personal prostitute/maid/you-name-it and for the woman it seems like a way to fulfill her unrealistic dream to live in France (and once she realizes that France is not that fairy tale country she dreamed about, once past the disillusion, she stays anyway because it's either that or back to poverty).

On the one hand, I understand that some people in poor countries will go to certain extremes to escape that poverty (and I know all too well what African people have to go through to try to get a better life in Europe), but on the other hand, I can't really understand the logic of those women, and especially the fact that it became a more than anecdotic phenomenon a little while ago. I'm not sure about the current situation with this issue though, but I know that among the infamous "I met a French man online does he love me?" questions I get for my blog, a big share of those are from Filipino women.

Could you expand from the Philippines side of the story?

Thanks,
Frenchman

Dear Frenchman,

When I started this blog, I was hoping, naively, that I could shed more light on the positive aspects of the Philippines and its people.  I was not really expecting to answer questions relating to "affairs of the heart," as I felt, thought and believed I was not only ill-equipped to answer them but also because the general subject matter is often too complicated, too intense, and -- especially in the situation you described -- too fraught with perils: i.e., the perils of over-simplification, broad strokes, prejudiced observations, unfair generalizations, condescension, racism, classism, defensiveness, and even hate.  In fact, for a second or two after reading your question, I even had this overwhelming desire to curse the heavens, the corrupt Philippine officials who've long been causing misery to millions, and yes, those Frenchmen you described with less-than-sincere intentions, on behalf of these Filipino women.

But since you asked, I figured I'd tackle this thing head-on, hoping that in the process I can somehow contribute to your and others' understanding (hopefully better and more humane) of these relationships.  Who knows? Maybe somewhere along the way, writing this answer may end up being cathartic too for me, enough at least to lessen the urge to lash out.  I hope that if I end up causing offense to anyone who gets to read this, he/she will forgive me for my attempt, albeit lame, to articulate something positive about something so complicated and, for most, is better off not talked about.

First, let's look at the ideal situation. I think a "typical" middle-class Filipina is like any "typical" middle-class Western woman:  she wants to marry a man who she really loves, who's in the same age group, decent-looking, fun, educated, has good character, in good financial standing, makes her feel good, and shares her cultural background.  I think, for a Filipina, that last characteristic typically means she would rather marry a Filipino instead of a foreigner -- assuming, of course, that everything else is equal. No data on this is available, of course, but I think, even in the United States where Filipinos have much higher rates of inter-marriage, a very high percentage of beautiful, well-traveled, highly courted Filipinas still end up marrying Filipinos.  In other words, like other races, generally, the Filipino people stick to their kind.

But we're not exactly talking of ideal situations when we're talking of young Filipinas marrying old, French men from "remote rural areas" who are "jackasses" and who these Filipinas hardly know and whose intentions and feelings these women are quite unsure of (enough at least to write you), are we?

In fact, if I have to hazard a guess (again, the following description is, by necessity, a simplication of a data set; is in no way comprehensive; and is subject to countless exceptions), the main characteristics of the Filipinas you described in your question are: (1) they are generally from very poor families; (2) they are generally not really highly educated; and (3) rightly or wrongly, they are generally considered not attractive or desirable enough by wealthier, more educated Filipino men who, again, rightly or wrongly, want to be understandably perceived as having made a "great catch" in their chosen partners by society. 

Now, add to the above the fact that (1) there are more women than men in the Philippines (numbering more than 50 million out of a population of roughly 100 million); (2) many of these poor women are not exactly looking to get even poorer by marrying unemployed Filipino men in worse financial straits than they are; and (3) these women are so family-centered, so conscientious and overly eager to do almost anything to improve the lot of their immediate relatives -- and you have a perfect recipe for disaster and, um, exploitation, right? 

Or is it?  And secondarily, even if it's so, who's exploiting who?  The objective answer is: It depends. That's why this line of questioning is really like a Pandora's box, isn't it?

You are right about one thing though: the poverty issue is a leitmotif in these types of relationships between French men and Filipina women.  All over the world, that is the same issue which explains why Ukrainian "Natashas" are feeling compelled to leave their country only to land in less-than-ideal situations abroad; why the "Romas" are being thrown out of France; why Mexicans routinely risk their lives to cross the US borders; et cetera.  But when you think about it, even in the history of Europe, it's the same consideration which drove European kingdoms to marry off even their princes and princesses to undesirable partners.  It's also the same consideration why young and gorgeous European women fall in the arms of Berlusconi, or maybe even Sarkozy.  I guess you can say the story of Anna Nicole Smith, while extreme, is really not that unique.

I don't know the numbers behind these inter-marriages.  I don't even know if the numbers are big enough to warrant a broad-stroke explanation.  But assuming the premise of your question is indeed supportable by hard data, and following a cursory research I made online and the personal conclusions I derived therefrom, one can actually make the following arguments:

(A)  Excepting those who've been illegally forced into these types of relationships, these poor, uneducated Filipinas are actually very smart because they've shown they can make rational economic decisions.  They know they have their youth, desirability, and wifely services to offer, so they use them as perfectly understandable "bargaining chips."  They marry white, old French men because "white" means the guy is probably rich; "French" means the guy is probably bearably nice enough (men from other cultures are reputed to be much worse); and "old" means the guy is probably close to dying.  In other words, for the Filipina in these types of relationships, the marriage is an "investment" in the future for herself and her relatives in the Philippines -- or you can say, at the very least, a form of "delayed gratification," i.e., a way of paying short-term pain in return for long-term gain.  Whether the "reward" from the "investment" pans out or not, the "risk" of continuing to live in abject, grinding and subhuman poverty back in the Philippines is at least minimized.  While, as a matter of survival and psychological fortification, many of them probably still hold out the hope that they will still "live happily ever after," I don't believe most of these Filipinas are really thinking of French fairy tales when they marry their French beaus.  (The takaway here: Don't feel too bad for these Filipino women!)

(B)  Many of these French men, like you mentioned, are really quite undesirable to French women too, deservedly or undeservedly.  But if they have something to offer in a matrimonial bargaining table, why should they not be allowed to seek other women elsewhere?  I don't think these men are so clueless as to think the women are after their French looks.  But then again, maybe they're actually the ones influenced by romantic French fairy tales, not the women?  (The takeaway here: Don't be too harsh on these French men!)

(C)  Believe it or not, many of these relationships actually work, producing healthy and beautiful offspring who end up enriching our increasingly globalizing world.  Why?  Because French men (or generally Western men) are used to aggressive French (Western) women, while Filipinas are generally, because of their culture, more subservient, more deferential to their male counterparts.  Thus, I think many of these Western men are actually surprised and feel fortunate (they should!) that they married women who, being devout and religious Catholics, are devoted to making the relationship work, are quite caring, and, often, were still probably virgins when they first came in contact with their matrimonial beds (Philippine society, being under the heavy influence of the conservative Catholic Church, generally still frowns upon premarital sex, especially in the provinces).  So, quite understandably, these men are pleasantly surprised and extremely grateful to high heavens for landing what ended up as better marital lives than those of other people they know. For their part, the Filipinas, who had earlier probably braced themselves for ugly marriages, end up getting grateful partners, enjoying a higher quality of life, and being able to help their relatives back home, which redound to their sense of accomplishment and joy.  (The takeaway here: Maybe we should be happy for these couples!)

With (A), (B) and (C) to make as arguments, exploitation becomes a non-issue, right?  But then, ever the romantic, you ask (and cue the music), "what about love?" 

Well, to be realistic about the whole thing, most of these types of inter-racial relations you mentioned are actually, or at least akin to, "arranged marriages," not "love marriages."  But I think any successful Indian who is happily married via an "arranged marriage" will tell you that a "love marriage" is overrated.  For one, "love marriages" have much higher divorce rates than "arranged marriages" due to various reasons, the simplest being that couples who bind themselves via the latter setup come into the arrangement with eyes and minds wide open and with the natural commitment to make things as beneficial to the parties as possible.  In other words, an "arranged marriage" addresses "personal needs" of the couple while a "love marriage" often is too consumed with "personal desires."  Inevitably, where needs are met, love creeps into an "arranged marriage," leading to a stronger and happier relationship; on the other hand, where desires dissipate and needs remain unmet, love escapes from a "love marriage" and with it follows the ruination of a shaky relationship.

To end, I just want to wish you happiness, Mr. Frenchman, and blissful days spent with the woman you love and who loves you just as much, regardless if she's French, German or -- dare I say it -- even a Filipina.

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.

Why are Filipinas beautiful but Filipinos ugly?

Dear Filipino,

I've been wondering: Why are Filipinas beautiful but Filipinos ugly?

Smitten

Dear Smitten:

Thank you for at least praising 50% of us.  You could have done worse.

I don’t know what your standard of beauty is, but Filipinos (which term is used to refer to both Filipinos and Filipinas) are like mutts because we are the result of much inter-breeding over the course of centuries, unlike, say, the Japanese or Koreans, who are more homogeneous.  Yes, the truth is, the modern-day Filipino people is a product of mass migrations of, and inter-marriages among, all types of people or races which started thousands of years ago and which have not let up even today.

Hence, on one end of the facial, cranial and skin color spectrum, you will meet Filipinos who look like Africans, because they’re descended from the Negritos who settled the islands some 30,000 years ago and who share much physical commonalities with African pygmies and the Australo-Melanesians; real Africans from Africa; or even African-American GIs who fell in love with the local women or may have unintentionally impregnated their entertainers when the US bases were still operational in the Philippines (so I guess partly you can “blame it on the Marines”).

On the other end of the spectrum are the light-skinned European-looking Filipinos, who, because of present-day Western-skewed standards, are commonly viewed, deservedly or otherwise, as the “more beautiful” of the lot.  These Filipinos descended mainly from the Spaniards, who colonized the islands for over 300 years, and their progenies and extended clans in South America, because of what used to be a very active Manila-Acapulco galleon trade; hence, you can bump into Filipino mestizos and mullatoes of French, Portuguese and Mayan descent.  As also implied in the previous paragraph, American GIs, this time of the white variety, and white American missionaries (no pun intended) are also partly to blame because the Philippines was once an American Commonwealth.

In between are the rest of the Filipinos: the “Asian-looking” ones.  But even the term “Asian-looking” is too broad because you can have the South Asian look (dark) and the North Asian look (light or “yellowish”), owing to many entrepreneurial Indians and Chinese who have traded with the locals over the centuries and have decided to call the islands home, as well as the Japanese who also colonized the Philippines and the Koreans who recently have been finding our beaches and golf courses irresistible.  Then, of course, you have the Indo-Malay-Polynesian look (brown), which is what the majority of Filipinos now sport because people of this stock were the ones who colonized the majority of the Southeast Asian archipelagic countries of Malaysia, Indonesia and, of course, the Philippines, during the region’s maritime era. 

So you see, when you mix all sorts of colors from the blackest to the whitest, you’ll end up with all shades of brown, including the much sought-after "healthy tan" look.  That’s why the Filipinos have a story, understandably popular among us browns, that when God was “baking” humans, his first batch was overcooked and from this batch came the dark-skinned races.  So he tried to bake another batch, but not wanting to overdo it again, he pulled his second batch prematurely, thus resulting in the light-skinned races.  Not happy with his results so far and not wanting to strike out, he tried again, this time guarding his oven more closely.  Of course, more experienced this time, God had his Goldilocks moment because his third batch was “just right” – and from this batch descended the brown Filipinos.  Not a bad legend to feel good and beautiful about one's self, isn't it?

Smitten, I’m sure the above doesn’t really fully answer your question, and I doubt you will really find an answer satisfactory to you.  But I think if you’re smitten by beautiful Filipinas while at the same time finding their male counterparts ugly, you are probably just understandably jealous of the latter, who roam around these beauties more freely than you do.  And because of that, man, I feel sorry for you! 

Got a question for The Filipino?  Email him now at askthepinoy@gmail.com.